Saturday, July 30, 2011

Company Policy

First off, before I start writing all the rubbish that passes through my mind, I want to take a leaf out of Esse's book and thank everybody that has shown support or criticism of any form towards my blog. I really appreciate it. I also want to acknowledge on of the people who inspired me to get a blog... Farida, thanks for everything... *snaps fingers* Now that that's behind me, too the business of the day.

I've always wondered what sort of career I would have. To be more specific, whether I was gonna be my own boss or if was gonna rush to work every morning at 8am to satisfy another person. When I hear my elder ones telling me about their bosses and how he/she treats them, I always laugh and say "No... I ain't working for nobody mehn.... I'm gonna be a CEO.... a very wicked one". They say it's never early to start, so with the experiences of my friends who work and a little research, I'm drawing up my own company policy already.

1. Dress Code: I will advise them to come to work dressed according to their salary. If I see you wearing  original Prada sneakers and carrying a N59,000 Gucci Bag, I assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a salary raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress somewhere in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Also on the matter of dressing, my company shall be have a reputation for being fashion-conscious. If you are found wearing clothes that have been spotted previously at Yaba or Oshodi, your sack letter is imminent.

2. Sickness/Ill Health: I shall not accept a doctor's statement as proof of illness. If you are able to get your ass to the doctor's, then you be able to get your ass to my office. Shikena. On the other hand, send me a picture with you bleeding from your mouth and a knife passing through your stomach, and I'll readily grant you sick leave.

3. Annual Leave: You shall have 104 days of leave spread through out a year. Those days are called Saturdays and Sundays. Miss work on a Monday and ahh.... Even Sango no go save you....

4. Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. I will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

5. Toilet Use: I have heard that most people run into the toilet to escape from work, so I shall devise a means to stop this. Every toilet door shall have a timer, and if you are still inside after 3 minutes, the door will fling open and a picture of you shall be taken and be places on the staff board.

6. Lunch Break: I don't think most Nigerian companies even do this, but being the kind-hearted Alhaji that I am, I will allow some time for lunch. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Diet Coke.

So as you can see, I'm a very kind CEO.... Thank you for your loyalty to our (Me and @reehanat's) company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input (I don't actually know what most of these words mean) should be directed elsewhere.

Yep.... My fingers are paining me... It haff do.... Plus Ramadhan starts tomorrow... I need my energy... Later y'all!

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Made In Gidi

The true Lagosian: A perfect blend of brains and brawn. Of hustle and swag. An ajebutter, but can bring out the rugged side when it's needed. An ajepako, but still has swag in abundance. Yep, that's the true Omo Las Gidi, and that's what I am.

When I left home on Friday July 15 2011, I had no idea I would be in for one of my most rugged days in recent times. I was going to Unilag to pay for the Post UME form, which @DrewBaba (I should kill him for what he made me go through) said was going to close that day. Around 9am, I left my house, hoping that I would be through with the purchase by 11am and would be able to see a movie at Ozone cinemas when I was done. But as the wise ones have said, "Man proposes, God disposes".

When I got to Yaba around 9:45am, the amount of people queuing for the shuttle to campus was amazing. The first that came to mind was "Hell no... No way I'm joining the end of this line". I looked around, looking for anybody I could "shunt" with. All I saw was hard faces all saying the same thing, "Bros go queue o... Even Orunmila no go allow you enter this line". Then I noticed the buses were passing right beside me to go pick up those in the front. I quickly ran onto one, drawing suprised looks from those on the queue. The driver asked what I was trying to do, and I just shoved N50 into his palm. I don't know what he told the guy at the front controlling the queue, but the man just looked at me and shook his head. Like I cared.

On getting to the school, my first stop was Wema Bank. I saw the crowd at the bank, and I felt like my killing myself. I don't think an adjective exists in the English vocabulary to describe the multitude of people there. I was still feeling fresh, so I didn't want to hustle yet, still hoping the crowd would reduce soon. After about an hour of exchanging pins with some pretty young things, I looked about  and saw that the crowd had actually INCREASED. I swore to myself and decided to check out the other banks, hoping the crowd would be lesser. After another hour of shuttling between DLI, the main campus, and the gate, I decided to go back to Wema Bank and turn on full-hustle mode.

On a good day, I hate bank staff. And given how cranky the enormous crowd had made them, I knew getting into the bank was going to be World War III. Ignoring screams of  "That boy is shunting!", "Go back!", "Don't allow him pass!", I made my to the gate. The security man there was vexed almost to a homicidal level and was pouring water on the crowd to get them to shift back. I looked at the shirt I was wearing, a Thomas Pink, and mouthed "I'm sorry", before squeezing myself into the crowd and attempting to get into the bank. I can still remember I identified about 9 different offensive odours. But I had to do what had to be done.

The guard, obviously tired of working himself to the core for the meager salary he earned, stood back and allowed some people to enter the bank. I still don't know how it happened, but 7 seconds later, I was inside the bank. Sad thing was, my left palm sandal had falling behind in the warfare. Going to back to get it, also sadly, was not an option. Seeing an open room inside the bank with chairs and Ghana-must-go bags inside it, I went in and sat down to ease my throbbing ankle. My worst mistake of the day.

Next thing I knew, the door was closed from the outside, and I heard "Call the Mopol! We have a thief in the store room!".  About 5 minutes later, the door opened and I look into the face of an extremely ugly man wearing a bulletproof vest. I actually thought this was a small issue until I saw Mr. Ugly bring out hand-cuffs. Luckily for me the branch manager was a woman, which made pleading a lot easier. I showed her my Uniyonu ID card, and she just smiled and asked Mr. Ugly not to bother. She was a Unilorin graduate herself and aided me in the payment for the form. Finally, at about 2:30pm (I felt very bad that I missed Jumat) I left the bank.

On getting outside, my missing palm slipper was nowhere to be found. And to complicate issues, rain started to fall. After 30 minutes of fruitlessly searching for my missing slipper under the rain. I walked out out of Unilag, wet and on one leg. At the gate, I walked past a group of 3 girls, who laughed as I squeezed past them. What I heard next though, removed any murder notions I had towards them. One of them had said, "He still looks fresh though". I don't think my cranium had ever been larger in my life than at that moment. I walked on, and paused in front of a shop with glass walls. I looked at my reflection and I just had to smile. I actually was looking fresh. I bought a pair of white bathroom slippers, and dumped the other palm slipper in a dustbin.

On my way home, I thought about all what I had gone through today, and was still able to draw that compliment. Most ajebutter boys like myself would have lost their heads after all that happened, but I guess I'm a perfect Lagosian. Truly Made In Gidi.

P.S. All of you that have been wanting to yimu, you are now free to do your noses like Baba Yusuf's pigs.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

The One Mic Concert

Sunday 26th of June was the date. 4:00pm was the time. Brown's Cafe was the venue. Extremely entertained was the way the felt afterward. One Mic was the event.

The One Mic event, aimed at promoting the next set of superstars, was heavily hyped and lived up to its billing.

Powered by, s.h.a.r.e and GroundZero , the event was a roller-coaster ride throughout, giving the audience a near-perfect blend of rap, hip-hop, r&b, soul and gospel of the next generation.

Hosted by KB & 5-star femcee Kel, the show was the perfect avenue for any upcoming artiste to showcase their talents to the music world.

Rapper Slim-T was the first person to bless the mic, with 'Die Representing' drawing raptourous ovations from the audience. Nikki Laoye and Efa followed; Nikki's voice and Efa's flow entertaining the crowd.

The guest star in the house was comedian Koffi, who did his job of making ribs crack to perfection. Some members of the audience did renditions of Michael Jackson's Human Nature and You're Not Alone. Radio presenter Tosyn 'Area Mama' Bucknor awarded prizes to the both of them.

Sammy came up after the comedy interlude, and his looks, voice and his skills on the guitar made the ladies in the house swoon. Power outage wasn't even enough to stop his stride, as he continued to impress without the mic.

Up after him was Yemi Alade, whose combo of a beautiful voice, a sexy body, and dancing skill were a match not made on this planet. Her performances of 'Baby Mi' and 'Fi Mi Sile'really had the crowd going.

The brain behind 'ABJ Party', 5Mics, was the last to perform and showed just why they saved the best for the last.

All in all, the event served up exactly what it promised: An appetizer of good humour, a main-dish of good music, and dessert of pure undiluted fun. If you haven't had the One Mic experience, then you just do not exist. It's that simple.

Choi.... See my big afro head at the back of Slim T... Tcd why nau?

Photos by: TCD Concepts

For more info on the One Mic event, contact @M_et_al @wepluggoodmusic @OneMicNaija on Twitter.

Sunday, May 8, 2011


Aaahhh… yes… My very handsome son (If anybody asks, you got your looks from me)… Your momma and I are very proud of you and your sister (tell her that her own letter is coming), and we just want to let you know a few things before you enter this world… Oya open your ear!

1. Me and you momma love you a lot, but that doesn’t mean she won’t beat the heavens outta you if you fuck up… Me I will not beg for you o! Do your best to stay on her good side…

2. We forbid you from doing 3 things when you grow up: Medicine, Law and prostitution…. Anything outside these 3, you’re free to do.

3. You are to support Manchester United and the Boston Celtics… You should be good in both football and basketball (that’s if you inherited my genes)…. Plus, You are never to watch Cricket or Formula 1… Shit is fucked up, believe me.

4. You are not allowed to date until you’re 14, and you can’t bring any girl inside my mansion until you’re 17. Trust me, I’m being kind… And not just any girl o! I hope you inherit my good taste….

5. You’re going to be like a bodyguard for your younger sister… If anybody breaks her heart or makes her sad in any way, you’re gonna beat the muthafucker up, okay?

6. If I have to tell you before you wash my Benz-Maybachs every morning, you’ll be hearing from your mother….

7. Your mom is shouting into my ear…. She says I should tell you to be a good boy, not join cults and all those stuff…. All those ones na formality now… You sef no go wan use NEPA pole pound yam now….

Me & your momma want to quickly enter the bedroom… If there’s any other ish, we’ll let you know. Hope you have a safe journey into this world.

Your loving parents.

Monday, April 25, 2011


To my future wife...

First of all lemme congratulate you on being the best of all women in the world, for you have survived rigorous screening processes, scaled mountainous heights on the journey to becoming Mrs. Wana. You are also one of the most beautiful women alive because if you weren't, I wouldn't have looked at you in the first place.

Now to lay down some ground rules...

1) No family members: This a very important rule, which can lead to me divorcing yo' ass. The fact that I was nice to your mum throughout the dating period doesn't mean I want her living in my house. The same applies to your brothers, especially if they eat a lot. Because na you go suffer am. Your younger sisters are allowed to visit for maximum 2 days (that should be enough to experiment, right?)... Lol... You know I would never cheat on you, right?

2) I'm going to make this rule as short as possible... uCheat, iCatchU, iKillU, iRemarry.... Get it?

3) If there's one thing I love as much as I love you (it might be even more at times), it's football. Interrupting me during a Manchester United match can lead to severe consequences. Even if the house is burning, just do your best to hold the fire away from the living room, and I'll join you when the game is over. Also, whenever my friends come over to watch matches, you must treat them with utmost respect... You know I don't keep lame-ass friends...

4) As shocking as it may sound, I'm a very very very very very very very very very religious person, meaning you gats follow in my footsteps. If I wake up for prayer for early morning and you still dey sleep, na belt get you that morning o....

5) Remember the night I came to your house and I drove my car into the wall because of the smell of the food you were cooking. Although it cost me a lot of money to get the Ferrari fixed, I have to say that was one of the moments when I knew I couldn't do without you. Just keep on cooking the way you do and everything will be all right between us.... Except if you break rule 2, and even then your cooking won't protect you....

6) I don't tolerate drinking and smoking... You should already know that... But just to ram it into your pretty head, I'm telling you again... If you want to sell you body for Guiness make dem use do brewery, no be for my house o!

7) You must know how to dance, if not better go and meet Tolu to teach you o! Your husband is a dancer, as in must of the best available! We're going to be the cynosure of all eyes when we party, so don't embarass me o!

That's basically all you should know for now.... If anything new arises, I'll find a way to get it across to you.
Love you loads,

Your future husband.

Friday, April 22, 2011

STUDIO LEAK: StreetsLegend Stars - Moment of A Legend

This is Moment of A Legend, a new single off Streets Legend's upcoming mixtape, Street Dreams. The track features dope upcoming artistes like Abiz, Luddar B, Dharsaw (signed under T-Frizzle's H20 records) & Billy Bizzy. There's speculation that the final version of the track is going to include verses from Alapomeji hitman, Seriki which should be out soon.

It's a sample of Nas's Just A Moment, and with quality performances by all the artists, it surely is one very good way to remember Dapo Olaitan Olanipekun, our very own Dagrin. Rest in peace brother.

Listen, download & Share

DOWNLOAD: streetslegend mixtape.wma

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Is He? Is He not?

Heyy.... What's good? My life in Blogville is going just like I expected.... Lots of thanks go to my landlord, Laide. Thanks a lot...

I felt like writing a post on relationships, but having never been in a serious one before (you're shocked too, right? Fine boy like me...) I didn't quite know what to write. But, I've seen guys in love before, so to help those pretty ladies in dilemmas, I'm going to drop a few signs to let you know if that dude is really into you... (I'm not much of a love doctor)

Sign 1- The eyes. As often said, a person's eyes can hold a lot of information. When you catch a guy staring at you, and he looks away quickly, that dude is into you... Not all guys are shy though, and some may try to hold the stare while making funny gestures

Sign 2- Body Language. A guy who likes you will always want to be near you. When sitting, he'll look at you a lot and tend to lean towards you a lot. When your legs or hands touch, he won't try to break the contact. When you walk together, he tends to hold your hand or put his arm around your shoulder. You may also notice nervousness when he's talking or doing stuff around you.

Sign 3- His friends. Watch how his friends act when you're around. If you visit him at his place, they all find one excuse or the other to give the both of you total privacy. When you walk past him and friends, they get all silly and start poking and making fun of him.

WARNING: Some guys are actually good enough to mimic all these signs and make you believe they're into you. Make sure you know the kind of person he is before putting these signs into consideration.

My schedule is currently scattered, so I don't know when next I gonna post.
Till then (whenever "then" is)